well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
