just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
