he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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