Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
