I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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