I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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