and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
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Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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