my phone needs a breathalizer
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
