Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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