if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
