Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
