hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
