He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
