Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
