youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
