"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
