I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
