I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
