feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
