I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
