dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night