He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"