Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
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Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
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you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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