I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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