the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
