my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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