You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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