Michael Bay diarrhea
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
