can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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