dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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