Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
