If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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