Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
