my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
