Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
