I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
