there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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