I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
