I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
