At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
