I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
