Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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