I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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