alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
This toilet bowl is my home.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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