i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
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She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
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I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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