Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
God I need to hump something, right now.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
