your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
