I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
