I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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