You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
