I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
