Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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