Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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