We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
